USO

Last night was Latin night… some USO tour was through with some Latin singer… his backup dancers didn’t know the routine and he looked like Seth Green … who doesn’t look a bit of Latin to me… So that was my first USO concert experience… not impressed. They could have had big bird on stage and gotten the same reaction from the audience, which was blank stares. The best part though was they served $1 Margaritas in shot glasses… yummy.

Breakfast: Eggs, Bacon, Oatmeal, OJ

Lunch: Chicken Salad

Dinner: Honey Mustard Chicken, Salad and baked beans.

Off to the Muff for drinks.

d

Hot cross buns

Holy f*ck Alice, it is HOT! I just went outside… It is a must here to take care of nature’s calls to walk for about a minute outside of A/C. The door handle to the Caddie burnt my hand. My uniform is steaming having come back inside… my socks are still hot. I can’t believe it is only the beginning of May. My boots will melt on the concrete as I walk by the end of July. The hot air makes my lungs feel like they are going to collapse. Its horrid! It must be 120 out. I’ll never go in a sauna or steam room again.

So today I decided to make friendly with a pilot girl this morning at breakfast… she had an odd ball nametag, so I asked her about it… she just got here 3 days ago… finally somebody who isn’t leaving in 3 days.

Speaking of breakfast, today was the first day I decided I needed coffee to be awake… and they had international delight creamers… I was very impressed… no vanilla though, just amaretto and hazelnut.

Grandma offered to mail me some fudge made with a recipe that calls for Velveeta. I told her it would probably melt. Velveeta in fudge? Oh my god Becky…

So I’m slowly coming into my own here doing some of the things I thought I’d be doing before I came. Job satisfaction will increase shortly…

Breakfast: Eggs, sausage, hash brown, banana, coffee, juice

Lunch: Chicken Salad and pumpkin pie

Back to watching my movie now. Cheers,

d

Life lessons -- reposted

Today I learned a few huge life lessons. The first being that no matter what decision I make, I'm bound to make somebody unhappy about it, but the ability to actually make a decision is priceless. The second being that no matter what came between friends of a certain depth a long time ago... if the friendship was of a high enough quality to begin with, its likely that down the road when forced into common situations... whatever divisive thing happened won't seem to matter at all. Third... that like myself, people under stress don't always present themselves well, but if you can get past that, they can be good people.

Last night I joined the Muff (British Bar) for a permanent membership... Probably won't go that often, but at least the membership card can be a souvernier.

Breakfast: eggs, bacon, hash brown, OJ

Lunch: roast beef sandwich

I'm exhausted and have a migrane... I'm out of here.

cheers,

d

Sex and the desert

Every night I’ve taken a sabbatical to my top bunk for a half hour of watching Sex and the City. This is my all time favorite show ever. I own all the seasons and have a connection to all the characters. With the exception of her neurosis, I connect best with Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), although my friends will say that I am undoubtedly Miranda. Last night, Carrie dumped Mr. Big for the first time in season 1.

So I bring this up because I befriended somebody here who yesterday practiced breaking up with her boyfriend with me. The more I replay the conversation in my head, the funnier it is and the more it is exactly the episode I watched last night. I’m sure people walking by us on the sidewalk though the 2 of us were the ones breaking up. Too funny.

My mom is mortified that I ate a corndog here… I love corndogs. Why are corndogs so bad? They taste better than those fried chicken skins we ate at the ballpark…

So I got to come in a little late today because I had to run an errand at 3am for work. I realized walking from the bus stop to the office that there is significant benefit to being in by 6am… It is too flippin’ hot to walk out doors by 8am.  The other benefit is that breakfast is not a hassle. By 8am, the chow hall near my work is closed, so I have to walk to the other side of CC (where I live) to the 24 hour one before I catch the bus to work. And when I got over there this morning, I had to walk to the complete other side (big trailer) because the one side is closed in the mornings apparently. This process added a good 45 minutes to my morning, plus a layer of sweat under my clean uniform that wouldn’t normally be there that early in the morning because I’m mostly inside.

Speaking of mostly inside, I’ve noticed my farmer’s tan is starting to show. I’m outside for all of 3 minutes to walk to the caddy a few times a day. But I guess those 3 minutes after 2 weeks has built up… at least I’m not getting sunburnt.

Speaking of 2 weeks, I’ve reached my first milestone while deployed. I am today on day 17. I didn’t mentally celebrate the week or 2 week point, but last night I had jagerscnitsle – however the hell you spell beat to hell dead baby cow with mushroom sauce – and I realized that shortly after arriving, I had that meal. That means I’ve gone through a complete cycle at the dining hall. They rotate the food every 2 weeks… there is a mainline, a grill line, and usually a couple other grab and go kind of things.

Breakfast: fruit loops

d

Pogs and PAs

Another day, another dollar… well, actually $3.50. That’s what I get extra each day for being here for incidentals. Today, my incidental was my shower scrunchie because I left mine in the shower a couple days ago. Went to the BX to get a new one (that wasn’t white, so I would see it when I cleaned my products out of the shower stall). The new one set me back a whopping 85 cents… It was the first time I had purchased something here that wasn’t a round dollar figure and I got these “pogs” back. Apparently they think they are saving airlift by not shipping coinage here to use, so a pog is legal tender at any AAFES location. So let me ask this… if they can’t ship coinage to/from the theater because of the weight, why in the sam hill do they make us cart our chem warfare equipment here and back… costing money in excess baggage… and you can’t fill up a rotator plane because the cargo area would be too heavy. We don’t even use our chem. Gear. They should just keep it for us in theater and issue it if we are ever in a chemical warfare environment… but seeing as we blew up the chemical warfare environment in Iraq, that is an unlikely scenario for the time being.

Tonight I have to pick up other public affairs people transiting through this base to other bases forward. Since they are coming in the middle of the night, I flat out told my boss I was not coming in on time tomorrow. Her response was for me to just take my rest and recoup day tomorrow then… fine by me! Although I actually have work to do, so quite honestly not coming in tomorrow is inconvenient. I’m sure I’ll get over it. Today I actually did good work… I started doing my media relations role here, which is what I was sent here to do… and I wrote a story for release… Kind of a boring story, but it was cool to write again as I’ve not done so in over a year now. It’s about the search and recovery efforts my organization contributed for the 2 Marines who crashed in Iraq. I used to try to write something for the base paper at least once a week. It got me out from behind the desk to learn everybody else’s business… Being a public affairs officer is great for gossipy big mouths like me because I like to know everything about everybody… and not be stuck in some cubby hole matching the green wire to the yellow wire like was my old job in the communications field.

I’ve been bitching this entire time about how I was one of the first people here and everybody I’m meeting is leaving… well, today I realized its cool because the new people don’t know how long I’ve been here. Yes, only 2 weeks… but they think I’m old hat. Today I had a major ask me how to get out of the door… you have to push this big red button… I think it should be green… nobody wants to push a red button for fear of an alarm. I have made a few friends though, but they are all leaving as I feared they would.

Anyway, I have the car tonight and others are beckoning me for a ride.

Breakfast: ham and veggie omelet

Snack: rice crispy treat and trail mix

Lunch: Chicken Pasta and an ice cream sandwich

Dinner: Really nasty calzone that tasted like hot pocket and a salad.

Cheers,

d

Ramblings about nothing in particular

Happy Cinco de Mayo… There are margaritas in the plaza, but that started an hour ago (when I was supposed to get off). Likely by now they are gone. Oh well. Maybe I’ll go for the flamenco dancers or something.

Today was another blah day. Nothing exciting at all. I’ve yet to feel I’ve accomplished something, other than that wedding story, that has made any difference here. That’s frustrating… but I also know that in a couple of weeks my boss will be gone and possibly I’ll have a chance to spend my time at work doing productive things instead of worrying about how the slides that nobody will see line up. I should be resentful that I’m in “austere” (he said with a smirk) living conditions so far from home doing things that don’t even remotely contribute to the war effort, however I’m not. I keep in the back of my head that I’m not fully in the mix here after only 2 weeks and that there is hope of these piddley tasks falling off when Col Retro is replaced. Does that make me a positive person? That’d be a first…

Last night I discovered the library… There was an entire wall of DVDs there and you’re allowed to check out 2 for free at a time. I checked out Erin Brockovich and Laws of Attraction. After my run last night… I settled into the movie.

Speaking of my run… I split up my work out. I discovered the gym on this side of the base and that it is easy to just take my uniform top off and lift weights there for 30 minutes and then run later at night when it is bearable. Great plan… I am all about easy. If it isn’t easy logistically, I’m less likely to do it. I’m going to do this routine every other day, and then on my days off to do a great big work out on the mainside gym which has the better equipment. I’ve been doing this plan for a couple of days now and I’m sore as hell. But I want to go back looking better than I do now… I talk to people here who have lost 30 lbs and others who have gained 10… it is either one or the other… I am eating more here… That might be my demise. The food here is good and it is easy to eat – see that logistics thing again… it is free and it is close.

I did have a thought I wanted to explore here, but I don’t feel like typing so much right now so I’ll just mention it. My screen name being smallwerld… I always say “It’s such a small world.” Just one of my perceptions… well, my smallwerld from yesterday bumping into that guy I met once in Florida ages ago got even smaller… out of a base of 6,000 people, his room is 2 doors down from me. Could it be any smaller a world?

So mom made me feel like crap today by reminding me that I should probably email grandma… I can’t believe I didn’t think to do so. Our family support folks told me I should give my nearest relative contact info for my work back home because most people call work and forget to call home… I was like, what dumb ass would do that? But now I find myself not having emailed grandma… oops. Every now and then I’ll go in my email address book and email somebody random… but I usually scroll down the names till I find somebody I’ve not emailed yet… well, I’ve not gotten to the “S’s” yet for them so I guess I didn’t think about it. Oops… so emailed grams. Cut and pasted old blogs since I’m sure she doesn’t read these so it looked like a way long and interesting email. I left out the one about the bathroom goings-on. Mom didn’t like that one either because she gave my blog to her friends… sorry mom’s friends!

Breakfast: Eggs, Bacon, Pancakes, OJ, Banana

Lunch: Shrimp creole and green beans

Dinner: chicken salad and rocky road ice cream… I tasted the rice pudding, but it isn’t anything as good as mom’s… ptooey.

Off to flamenco’s and margaritas. Ciao.

My first care package

Normally when people get care packages around here, they are baked goods and stuffed animals… cute and fattening crap, neither of which I want or need… okay, maybe a beany baby would be cute, but we’re not supposed to have stuffed animals at our desk at work… after all, the CAOC (place I work in) is a “weapons system.” That’s a big whatever… There’s no guns sticking out of this building.

So anyway, what did my mom send me in my first care package? Let me preface this with I was elated… and it couldn’t have been more timely. I got 2 bags of trail mix… exactly what I requested… a selection of various make-my-rank-room smell better systems – battery operated ones, wispy ones, stick up ones and a glass pretty one I’ve set on my desk to combat my Chai Latte I had this morning (yes I’m at war and we have Chai…). I also got windex wipes, baby wipes and industrial size febreeze in which to soak down my roommate’s crap. A few small lotions too for my pockets… it gets so flippin’ dry here. This couldn’t have been a better care package! Thanks mom… The funny thing is people were so jealous of me… not just because I got a box, but because I got cleaning supplies isn’t “simple green.”

Well… I’m off to the “gun show” for about a half hour. I’ve had about as much of this environment as I can stand. Col Retro, although she’s been nice to me today, just got this devilish sound in her voice and started to breath fire at Maj Snacks… being as I’m in the middle, I averted my eyes so as not to singe my eyebrows.

Breakfast: eggs, sausage, hashbrown, banana, OJ

Lunch: chicken salad, pumpkin pie ever and peach tea

d

Transition assistance

Already prepping for my return... I've been given instructions on how to reincorporate myself back into society.

1.  Don't be alarmed in the event that a woman walks into your bedroom.  She's supposed to be there. She is nice and will do things with you that you will enjoy, even after the novelty wears off.

2. Develop confidence that you can sit on the commode and do your business without having a conversation with the guy in the next stall.  Learning to adjust to the silence in your bathroom is a good first step.

3. Many returnees suffer from cases of Roomate Separation Anxiety.  Learn to recognize and deal with the early signs of this debilitating condition.  Take turns leaving each other alone in the room for specified periods of time; as your comfort level grows extend the time period.

4. You will adjust to colors much more smoothly if you slowly acclimate yourself to small numbers at a time building on the 4 we have here.  Looking at magazines onboard the return plane is a good way to build up your tolerance and avoid potential visual overload.

5.  Be assured that the green stuff which surrounds many buildings back in the States is perfectly safe even if you step on it.

6.  There have been reports of returnees walking down the street at 0200 in the morning and urinating in their neighbor's tool shed.  This is not necessary, it irritates your neighbors and frightens your children.  Shortly after your return home, have your family show you the bathroom and explain any features which may be unfamiliar to you.

7.  Be advised that beer is available in near unlimited quantities in the States.  Ensure that you have thoroughly familiar with Item 6 (above).

8.  Paradoxically, despite the much larger number of vehicles in the States, you will not be required wear your reflector belt.  If you do choose to wear it, be assured that you will attract attention.  Of the wrong sort.    If you plan on separating from the Air Force following your return to the States, keep your reflector belt if you are planning a second career as either a superhero/crimefighter or construction site flagman.

9. If, upon returning to your homestation, you drive the way you have been taught to drive here you will not be arrested, you will be shot.

10.  If you stop anyone on the street and demand to see their "manpurse", you will be beaten up and then shot.

11.  Be warned that if you take 3 minute showers at home, your family's response will vary from "suspicious" to "dubious".

12.  This is likely to be the last list of instructions you will see.  Upon return to the States you will be required to think for yourself and conduct yourself as an "adult" (see glossary).  We've coddled you long enough.

Mexican Holidays

They are doing up a big celebration for Cinco de Mayo here… I recently found out that Cinco de Mayo simply means the 5^th of May. It’s not something I ever thought about before what it meant… I imagine that something happened on the 5^th of May once in Mexico… but in the event it didn’t, I think we need to have more Mexican holidays. What about Quatro de Octubre? Why can’t we drink Margaritas and wear colorful clothes in the plaza that day? If they make this big a deal about Cinco de Mayo, Man, I wonder what a real holiday is like here… Of course the Air Force marches to the beat of Bush’s Bible, so I doubt a fun holiday like Halloween, my favorite, would ever be celebrated in such fashion… what would people wear as costumes? I’d wrap 1000 safety belts around me and go as safety boy.

hoo-aahs

Most of the people who know me know that I’m not shy about talking about things in the bathroom, so if that offends you, then close this blog entry down because I’m going to talk about doing your business deployed. I am after all the proud owner of a cute purple pin with a bunny and a speech bubble that says “oops, I pooped on your stuff.” There’s a whole other pooper story there though I won’t get into here. My Mom said if things make you laugh, you have to buy them… I think she was only talking about cards though… but then again, I have an Edna doll that talks from the Disney Incredibles movie too. “Hello daaaling, I’m E…dna”

I’m not sure when grown ups started to use baby wipes in the “adult” form called “fresh scents” but the more and more I go to other people’s homes, I see them strategically placed near the toilet… so I know people are using these things, not just me. I discovered them a couple years ago. The idea came to me from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy when the bathroom guru guy was impressed with a straight guy’s habit of wiping his ass with baby wipes, while ridiculing him for having a filthy bathroom. So anyway, I tried it and liked them.

Well, here… the food served here makes my #2 into a bit of an interesting consistency. I know I’m not the only one with this issue because any toilet you go to here has skid marks… I think that’s a product of the toilets not being of the same design as the American ones (the hole is more to the front which makes flushing harder and also presents the chance that you might (gross) touch the inside back of the toilet while you are wiping up). It is also a product of the food affecting everybody else’s bowels too because instead of having movements here, people have explosions… wallpapering the interior of the toilet. Rather disgusting.

So not having the convenience of my fresh scents strategically placed next to my own toilet, I went to the BX here to see if they had any small packets of something similar I could carry in my DCU pocket… low and behold I discovered “Hoo-aahs…” the camouflaged packet of moist field towels. I decided to give them a shot and they worked great. I don’t think they made them for your ass though because they are much larger than something I would need… so I ripped it in half… but they do the job.

So that takes care of #2, what about #1?

There is an underground newspaper here… I’ve only heard about it because it was apparently shut down after the article I’m about to describe… The 2-star here was apparently aware of it and thought it was funny, but the base wing commander didn’t like this particular article and asked the 2-star to shut it down. I of course got this all back channel and don’t know these things as fact, but so goes the rumor. The article in question spoofs an event that an Airman was found with 10 gator aide bottles of urine in his room. When base leadership was questioned on the event, the wing commander is quoted in the parody paper as saying “I don’t know why he had to use gator aide bottles when the water bottles that are cheaper would have worked just fine.”

You see… in the middle of the night (last night this happened to me twice)… the last thing you want to do is put on your shirt, flops, man purse and safety boy belt to go walk the 50 feet to the caddy to pee… so I guess it is common practice to pee in a bottle and chuck it the next morning. I have to admit, I did this one night. It was gross to have to carry it to the bathroom to chuck, and yes I used the gator aid bottle instead of the water bottle…

Breakfast: ham and veggie omelet

Lunch: Chicken Salad

Dinner: Don’t know…

As for work today… I started to do an aspect of my job that I’ve never had to do before… media analysis. It is something most Pubic Affairs people don’t have much time to do because our primary job is to affect the media by putting products and information out there and we don’t have time to do media analysis of the crap that’s already out there… especially if we are not the ones putting it out… but the learning process of doing this analysis will be good for me in the future when I get out of the Air Force (12 more long damn years till retirement… will I make it? Ugh). Media analysis is good for when you need to gauge the audience to format your message to. We don’t really do that here because we (my small organization) don’t put any real message out… and the few that we do… we certainly don’t look at our media analysis to help shape that message. So why do we do the media analysis? Hell if I know… but at least I’m getting the experience in doing it.